Is he really posting?   Yup, I am.  Why?   I'm bored. 
I've been in an extremely anti-social mood lately.  It's on/off though.  It's not the evil type, just don't have much to say.  That's an odd time to pick to make a rare  update right?  Well, I figured if I forced myself to sit here long enough, I can snap out of it for a while. 

I guess I can start by giving an update on my lil' life.  Well, I'M BROKE!!!!  Yeah I'm still working.  I just realized that my money was disappearing and I didn't know why.  It dawned on me recently....check this retarded shit out....

-$200 for Windows XP.  I had to buy it because I had a computer crash and my cousin never got back at me to repair it.
-$176 for a cell phone.  Yeah, I was getting nagged at for not having one.  I didn't want one, but since I was sorta being forced, I figured I may as well get one I'd enjoy.  The phone is actually $300 and some change, but moms put half down.  I owe her that half....so....lemme chalk that up
-140 for the other half of the phone
-50 for Fable (Xbox), 50 for Def Jam Fight For NY (Xbox), 40 for NBA Live 2005 (Xbox), 20 for ESPN NBA 2K5 (Xbox), The Sims 2 (PC)
-30 for Talib Kweli's Beautiful Struggle & Wu-Tang's Disciples Of The 36 Chambers
-$200 car insurance
-75 phone bill
-40 internet bill
-120 satellite bill
-70 for WWE Raw ticket (for this monday)
-60 for WWE Taboo Tuesday PPV (for this tuesday)
-100 docked from my paycheck for missing work without having time
-undisclosed amount spent on Shaka's birthday presents
-undisclosed amount spent on the weekend Shaka spent here
-250 owed to Shaka for the flight here.
-I owe another 100+ for the satellite.
-unknown amount for upcoming plane ticket to Arizona.

I wasn't even finished, but I'mma stop there.

Oh yeah, Shaka was here last weekend to celebrate her birthday.  It was a lot of fun and I miss her.  I think that's part of the reason for the anti-social feeling.  It's like eating steak one day, and eating chips the next.  She was here, now she's gone.  I ain't trippin, I just need to regroup.  LOL.  I hate the distance.

I'm going to WWE Raw on Monday.  This will be the.....3rd Raw I've been to.  All together, I've been to 3 Raws, 1 Smackdown, and Wrestlemania XX.  I got the PPV on Tuesday to go to as well, so this will be the 6th WWE wrestling event I've attended this year.  Pretty amazing considering I've NEVER been to a wrestling event before this year......Well, the first Raw was September of last year, but whatever.  LOL.

I haven't been to a concert since Kanye West earlier this year.  Yeah, it was hot and all, but nothing topped Busta Rhymes last year.  STILL THE BEST CONCERT EVER!!!!!  I've been to a total of 4 concerts in my life.  I don't count the ones when I was little and performances happened during parades (I distinctly remember Stephanie Mills one year....I was a fan when I was little).  Nas was my VERY FIRST concert ever last year.  He killed it. Then I went to Busta Rhymes later last year.....BEST CONCERT EVER!!!!!.  Then I saw R. Kelly this year.  It was a MUST because you never know if he'll be locked up.  LOL.  Jagged Edge was there too...HATED IT.  The last concert I went to was Kanye West.  Good show.  My concert goals now are to see Busta again, Nas again, EMINEM FOR THE FIRST TIME, Wu-Tang, and Ludacris.  I can't think of any others at the moment. 

Speaking of Eminem, I support his lil situation.  LOL.  I just find it funny that last year this time, he was getting Weird Al Yankovic's video pulled for the same shit.  Karma's a bitch.  I think it'll do nothing but help boost Em towards my prediction of first week sales of 2 million.  Watch!!!!  But guess what?????  Em's not going to have the best album of the year.  NAS WILL!!!!  Mark my words.  I got a funny feeling about this one.  It's a double CD too!!!!  No one but Pac and Biggie pulled it off successfully so far in my opinion.  If anyone can, Nas can.  Em was supposed to put out a double cd but I guess it won't happen.

WOW.....I can't believe I almost did something I said I wouldn't do.  I almost joined a clique on D.O.  Y'all know that's not my style or nothing, but my girl been teasing me about it for weeks now since I've kinda caught their attention.  I turned them down eventually but at the rate I'm going, I'll end up joining.  I got a weird feeling about it.  Hell, I left the site a year ago and swore I'd never come back....and I did.  We'll see though.  I've never ran with a crowd before, online or off...so I'm conflicted.  I'm conflicted for other reasons as well, but members of that clique may be reading this and I don't want my words taken the wrong way.....

Nothing else is really going on around here.  Work is work.  I won't complain.  I enjoy fucking with the powers that be though.  They are fun to toy with.  They try to abuse their power and think because I'm young that I'm naive.  LOL.  So much fun.

Yeah yeah....my blog retirement lasted shorter than Jay-Z's retirement, but I DID say I'd update when something meaningful happens....

Yeah, so all I've been listening to is 2Pac in my car.  For the past week, I've been looking like a maniac behind the wheel while singing along to Hit Em Up and other songs.
:)
Anyways....today I had a doctor's appointment for a physical.  I am finally gonna get an xray for my trick knee.  It's been aggravating me a lot lately.  It's a pain in my joint and hopefully it's nothing bad.  My whole walk is warped....been like this for months and months.  I digress....So I leave the doc's office...and notice something weird.....I don't see my cds in the car.  A much closer look, and I see that the cd player was straight snatched out of my car.  Ummm.....
THEY STILL SNATCH RADIOS IN 2004?  Yeah, I was shocked too...but mad?  Nah....Shaka will tell you, that radio sucked.  I could put a brand new cd in there and it'll skip....so fuck that cheap piece of shit.  It came with the car when I bought it off my cousin. 

Yup, I said it....I don't know if I completely mean it.  I don't think I can completely leave this blog alone, but I'll see.  It's not like I'm addicted to it.  Far from it.  It's starting to feel more like a chore rather than an outlet, or a hobby, or whatever.  I started this thing because I was having trouble on this one forum, and the admin basically had it out for me....and it looked like I was gonna get banned.  So I used this place to talk about whatever because people liked my uncensored delivery.  I don't hold back and that's what was happening on that forum.  They wanted me to hold back. 

So in the beginning, all was good.  I had a good majority of people from two different forums reading my blog.  It was crazy.  I can't even begin to tell some of the stories.  My favorite was when I started acting arrogant saying I started the whole blog craze.  LOL.  People, I watch wrestling...you should know I'mma wanna have a gimmick sooner or later.   Between being Lord Of The Blogs and having my championship belt, something was BOUND to happen.  LOL.

I did kinda kick it off though.  As I've said before, Sheita was the first person I knew to get a blog on here, and then I followed....But then after I made one, it blew up.  LOL.  So blame Sheita...

Anyways, lately, people have stopped coming on here.  I know I gotta kinda advertise it in order to get readers...but aside from putting it in my stat message in yahoo, what else can I do?  I don't wanna advertise it on Dimes Only because then I'mma REALLY have to censor myself...My girlfriend happens to be a member of that forum too and if I was to say something concerning her and half the forum were to read it, they would be making all types of phone calls to other people to get dirt, and then make a big ol' thread concerning my shit....so I don't advertise.

Why the song you ask?  Well, I know this was supposed to be 2Pac week and all.  And believe me, nothing has touched my speakers (in the car) other than Pac, but that's as far as I'll take it.  Y'all don't care about Pac, so why do it?  I chose this song because it sounds like the kind of song that'll play at the end of a movie or some shit.  If my life was a movie and had a soundtrack, this would play during the credits.  LOL.  Peep the lyrics...

Raindrops keep falling on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are falling on my head, they keep falling

I have that problem.  I don't fit on many beds.  Nothing seems to fit in a metaphorical sense.  Just like my bed....the one thing that's supposed to relax me at the end of the day when all other things don't.

So I just did me some talkin' to the sun
And I said I didn't like the way he' got things done
Sleepin' on the job
Those raindrops are falling on my, head they keep falling

Basically, I get no relief from the rain in my life.  From the job to the bed...

But there's one thing I know
The blues he sends to meet me won't defeat me
It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me

I keep going because I know this is causing nothing but momentum.  Think about it.  All this freefalling going on is doing nothing but building my momentum so that when the next hill in my life comes along, it'll be that much easier for me to reach the top.

Raindrops keep falling on my head
But that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red
Crying's not for me
Cause I'm never gonna stop the rain by complainin'
Because I'm free
Nothing's worrying me.

I'm done writing 50 page essays and only two people even bother to look....no one is really interested in what I have to say.  I have become irrelevant...so I'm ghost.  I got ONE MORE entry left in me, and I'mma save it until tomorrow or Sunday.....
ONE!!!!

What up world?  How am I?  I'm alright.  I just wanna do something I've been planning on for a while now.  Today's September 8th.  I would have done this on the 7th but I didn't get the time.  It's that time of the year again.  Part 2 of my week long celebration of the life & times of Tupac Shakur.  I celebrate the week of his birthday, and the week of his death.  He was shot September 7th, 1996 and died September 13th.  Everyday until the 13th (maybe 14th since I started late) I'm gonna have a new song up here, and an entry that inspires it.  That'll be the first time I typed in this blog for a week straight since I started it.  LOL.  Remember when I used to have 3 entries a day?  LOL.

Anyways, it's election time...and I don't know a SINGLE PERSON that likes Bush.  He's easily the most criticized president I've seen in my lifetime.  Yet, in early polls, he's leading by almost double digits?!?!?!?  Well, he IS running against a fuckin VEGETABLE!!!!  Kerry????  Here's my voting strategy.  I'm voting for whoever has the better vice president because I'm banking on someone assassinating whoever wins because these two fucks can't run in a circle, let alone run a country.  I had the plan of voting for the lesser of two evils but Evil is Evil and if I voted Kerry (which I plan to) and Kerry did some shit to fuck up my country, I'd feel partially responsible.  My one vote DOES count.  I could say FUCK IT and not vote at all since I like no candidates, but if Bush won, I'd be pissed at myself because there's THOUSANDS, possibly MILLIONS that like neither candidate and may do the same thing and not vote.  I like Kerry's VP better than Puss Bush's VP so there you have it.  I HONESTLY was gonna take my ballot and write in Jamil R. Jackson in the write-in part instead of voting for them fucks....but that's not much of a statement.

They Don't Give A Fuck About Us......I gotta deal with 4 more years of SOMETHING that's gonna piss me off.  But I try not to complain about my country too much because outside of voting, I really don't do anything about it.  Unless I plan on getting into politics and running for SOMETHING, I'm not gonna bitch.  I just gotta make the best of my life.  Just as long as no DRAFTS get reinstated....because if my number gets called (I'm an only child, but I'm sure they'll figure something out) I'll pull a Muhammad Ali and take the jail time....It's a tough choice....Be someone's bitch in jail or be Bush's bitch in the Middle East and fight for a country that has YET to fight for my people.  Assholes heal (trust, I hate even fathoming the thought), but I can't come back from a bullet in the ass....and I know plenty of people that are permanently mentally and physically scarred from war.  My father being one.....

They Don't Give A Fuck About Us.....we're really gonna find out real soon.  Bush is trying to pass a bill where they have the power to delay the elections in case of a terrorist attack.  If something happens in November, don't be surprised.  And while USA holds USA hostage, we will probably see a bunch of shit happening that we won't be able to control.  One thing that throws me off are these police cameras in the BLACK neighborhoods.  Sure, they say it's for survailance in drug neighborhoods....But I'm starting to slowly but surely see them make their way into non-threat neighborhoods.  Maybe these cameras serve a bigger purpose....I think our privacy is being invaded.  What are they up to?  Why aren't these cameras in white neighborhoods?  Someone's ALWAYS getting fucked up after a Cubs game in Wrigleyville....Stabbed up right there on the streets. 

They Don't Give A Fuck About Us.....and we must not either, because we give them excuses to do shit like put cameras in our neighborhoods....So while we think that they are taking the steps needed to correct problems, actually they are using our own crimes and behavior as a scapegoat to over-police us, and basically not solve a damn thing.  We hate police so much, but do all these things that are gonna just cause even MORE police to be assigned to our areas.....Wake Up....

Black folks....wanna make a REAL impact this November????  Everyone should write-in Barrack O'bama....

Well, I think I lost all my pictures that was in my Boomspeed account.  The site is down and I don't know how long it's down.  That's why you see all the red x's.  Maybe the site will start working again soon so my blog won't look so damn tacky.  LOL.

I had a scare with my mp3 player last night.  It just died out on me.  I got it to work again this morning.  Almost 300 dollars went down the drain.  That and thousands of mp3s.  Not to mention video clips.  LOL.

Last night was still fun though.  We were battle rapping.  Y'all know I don't rap.  LOL.  None of us in here rap, but we had a Freestyle Friday since it was Friday.  Then me and the boys made a pact that the first person to go to sleep was gettin fucked up.  We was gonna vandalize their faces and whatever else we can get ahold to.  Ray was the first to go to sleep so I drew Fag Boy on his face BACKWARDS so that when he looked in the mirror he could read it.  Then I drew a goatee on his face....and eventually superglued a condom over his nipple.  LOL.  Dorian drew a big dick on his chest.  He got some more shit drew on him too.  Needless to say, I slept with one eye open all night....busted people TWICE trying to get me.  LOL.

Yeah, I gotta update since my girl threatened to cut my nuts off if I didn't.  LOL.  The more you put me through....the more it makes me wanna come back to you....just like the song playing says.  Oh, by the way, the song has no hidden meaning relating to my life or anything.  Just wanted a different direction with the music.  Too much lovey-dovey shit lately.  This is to counter that.  LOL.  I just can see her and I in a wild ass relationship like this....but we both wouldn't take all this shit...but it wouldn't be far-fetched.

But yeah, she said if I didn't update, she'd slice my sack....so here goes.  I just don't type in here everyday anymore.  What blogger DOES nowadays?  I had my everyday-days.  Maybe if I had more traffic on here.  Back when I first started, I was on a couple of forums so all my peoples from there would check the blog out.  Now, the only forum that I really go to is D.O. and I'm not gonna advertise my blog on there.  If some people there find it, cool...But most people there try to find ANYTHING they can use against you, and WILL....just for the fuck of it.  Just because it's a Thursday.  Not that I really give a fuck, but oh well.  Why even bother?  So the only people that check my blog out now is Shaka, Abbie, Fiddy (the resident white chick, lol), Soul (when she ain't busy drooling over ______), and every blue moon Watcher will pop up.

Some crazy shit going on in my life....Literally crazy.  Some stuff I can touch on and some I can't.  That's crazy right there.  When have y'all known me to censor myself?  LOL.  See....crazy. 

Anyways, my job has been crazy.  So much drama going on there.  I got into it with a co-worker that actually thinks he has some superiority over me....but that's my supervisor's fault for giving them the power he has.  As soon as I didn't jump up when he told me to do something, it was a problem.  I would have helped out if I wasn't busy with 6 OTHER TASKS myself.  We got 12 people in our department, I'm sure someone could help.  Nah, he just wanna see people jump because he said so.  So when I told him I was busy, he snapped out on me and cursed at me.....so I cursed him out.  Nah, scratch that.  That's white folk stuff (sup Fiddy, lol).  I CUSSED his ass out.  The union at my job is ALL OVER THIS....and they are on my side.  He shouldn't be giving out assignments.  Wanna know what else they are all over?  Well, someone ran a red light in one of the cars....and they got the pictures.  So one chick that work in purchasing tried to scam SOME of us out of our money by saying we gotta contribute to the ticket...and that others in our department paid already.  Just so happens those people are her buddies.  AKA they ass didn't pay.  I'm no sucker.  I wasn't born yesterday....today neither.  You think I'mma pay?  The union wanna know all about that too.  It's a lot of CRAZY shit going on at my job....I can't even get into all of that.

It's crazy at the house.  We were supposed to get a new AC because the old one doesn't work.  It's summer, but it's been a mild one here in Chicago.  All you gotta do is open a window and you'll be fine.  We've had temperatures in the 50s at times.   NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN it wanna be in the 90s.  Too damn hot to have NOTHING but a ceiling fan and hopes for a wind blowing towards my bedroom window.  CRAZY.

Crazy?  Well, I got a personal issue going on with me that I don't know the cause of.  This issue COULD have my woman assume a lot of things...things she'd be wrong about....but things she'd be EXPECTED to assume concerning the nature of my issue.  Take my vague description and run with it all you want, but until I tell ya ass, you don't know.  TRUST ME.  This whole shit is crazy and the steps that I have been MADE to go through to correct the issue may not even be the correct way to do things.  First step in correcting a problem is to IDENTIFY the problem.  No one has seemed to correctly identify my situation yet.  They think they have, but when it's all said and done, the issue is still there with me and it's IRRITATING THE FUCK OUT OF ME.  There are people that get paid GOOD MONEY to correct shit like this, yet I seem to have a better clue of what's wrong than they do.  But you try telling someone that makes much much more than you and have a degree in the field that they are wrong.  Crazy....

What's really crazy though?  My baby has stuck with me through the whole thing and never once doubted where my heart stands.  I really thought that all these roadblocks would be the end of us.  Too much shit that keeps popping up that delays my trip to Arizona a month here, and a month there. She's having a difficult time with it, but she's being strong....at least I hope so.  It's one thing to be strong and fight through something...it's another to just black it out. 

If I die today, what's my legacy?  Hmmmm....


Not a DAMN thang.  Ain't that a DAMN shame?  Well, I'm still young.  It just trips me out now because I'm soon to be 23 and I can turn on the TV at anytime and see TEENAGERS living a life I can only dream of.  Look at LeBron James.  I am proud of his success and I was not one of the doubters....but that side of me that wants to be great at SOMETHING envies him.  I want what he has.  LeBron is ME with the addition of drive and motivation.  I can't believe that if I had only just hit the weight room and dedicated myself to basketball instead of just simply loving it and enjoying to play it, I could be a millionaire.  It's not like I don't have the skills.  I played ball last Saturday for the first time in months and I still had it.  I just have natural ability.  I heard the whispers from people on the sideline talking about how high I can jump and this and that.  It's a nice ego stroke and all, but not as much as it used to be.  Now, it just reminds me that I didn't take advantage of my opportunity.  Sure, MILLIONS of little black boys aspire to be the next Michael Jordan....but look at it like this.....There are thousands and thousands of schools.  Each school has ONE basketball team for boys.  Out of the hundreds and possibly couple of thousands of kids, there are only 12-15 spots on varsity.  At one time in my life, I possessed one of those spots. 

Where did I SPECIFICALLY miss out?  Well, I was on varsity my junior year.  I played center.  I faced a couple of the toughest opponents in the state at that position.  Some top recruits in the state. Mind you, I am a slim dude now....but I was SKINNY back then.  They couldn't even back me up in the paint....my legs were/and are STILL too strong.  I never lifted weights with my legs.  I remember the top player in the conference went up for a dunk and I came from nowhere and not just blocked his dunk, but completely TRASHED IT off the glass.  The crowd was stunned because they never saw someone do that before.  And for a kid that no one ever even heard of to do that, stunned them. 

I'm digressing.  Well....like I said before, I had all the natural ability in the world.  I just never worked at it.  I took work for granted.  I got a kick out of the fact that I never lifted weights before and I leg pressed more than the strongest boy in the school....and he was on steroids!!!!!  Well, the summer of my senior year, I decided it was time to work.  I wanted to take things to the next level.  I went to camps....I played non-stop ball.  I consumed myself with nothing but basketball.  Tryouts were a breeze.  I outshined everyone.  All the players talked about how I was the most improved.  People would construct what they felt the roster should be, and I always made the starting rotation.  Well, the coach didn't think so.  He didn't even think I was bench quality.  I was cut.  WTF?!?!?!?!?!  Well, it didn't help my cause when I walked out on the team during the playoffs the year before....but I did because I was inelligible because I missed three days of school that week sick.  I told him I wasn't coming.  The school was so stunned....some people even said they wouldn't come to any games.  The mini-boycott didn't last long but I appreciated it.  A lot of the parents were PISSED.  It was crazy.  I even heard that the coach's job was on the line because of that decision and if the team didn't excell, he'd be fired.  Well, sweet justice...he got fired.  The team had a glaring hole at the CENTER POSITION.

It's weird....wait....I'm getting ahead of myself.  Before I type another one of my LONG ASS ENTRIES, lemme just tell ya that after I type this, I gotta type a rebuttal letter to one of my supervisors.  It's a routine thing to do because of my attendance issues as of late.  Do I ACTUALLY rebutt anything?  No.  It's just a fuckin' apology letter.  It's bullshit but I guess I gotta do it.  I know this is probably going over you all's head.  So lemme get to the main entry...

This song that's playing in the background (if you can't hear it, sucks to be you...cuz I ain't breaking it down.  Either turn ya speakers up, buy some, or get a sound card.  lmao).  It's weird...(ah, now I'm back to where I started), a song about apologizing for doing a woman wrong is a song that is "OUR" song.  "OUR" being Shaka and I.  It's weird because I had an entry WAAAAAAY back on here.  I forgot what it was all about (but it's still up, so go WAAAAAY back to like Feb. or March. and you'll see it) but that entry plus the song kinda helped lead to us being together in a way..  Let me paint you a picture. 

It was around this time when I was falling out with Sheita in a way.  I was really digging her and we had pretty good chemistry.  I kinda put myself in a vunerable situation and got hurt and she and I kinda fell off.  Good thing we are back cool....but anyways, I was in no mood or position to deal with a relationship after that.  On the flipside, Shaka and I were getting cool.  Anyone I talk to knows that I had my eye on her since the first time I laid eyes on her.  At this point though, I wasn't even thinkin about being with her like that.  First of all, she ain't like me way back when because of my "reputation" which I ain't gonna get into.  So I figure what would be so different now?  Well, if you're reading this blog, you probably remember a period of time where my damn blog was a must-see site and some of EVERYONE was on here.  Everyone had a blog or heard of blogs before but no one really invested much time into them unless they had their own personal site with one on it.  I kinda helped (see, I ain't take all the credit this time, lmao) usher in this "blog era" as far as people from D.O., Da Club, and The Fam forums are concerned.  Blogs popped up everywhere. 

I'm getting away from the point.  Anyways, Shaka ended up coming across my blog in the process.  She still thought that certain way about me but reading my blogs gave her a different perspective that she never got from talking to me.  That was because she was never open to that.  LOL.  Anyways, with each entry I wrote, I'm assuming she found herself wanting to talk to me more and more.  We ended up talking on messengers a lot...and then it grew to the telephone quite fast.  The rest is history. 

The song?  Well, I guess the song is special to us for a particular reason.  I think it marks the point where feelings on both sides went from associating to falling for each other.  She likes the song.  The more she started falling for the song, the more she started falling for me.  She heard the song quite a bit because I had the song on my blog to go with the entry I wrote WAAAAAY back.  She found herself re-reading it a lot and listening to the song.  I guess something I said in that entry kinda made her start liking me. 

Now why is it all so weird?  Well, I played the damn song out.  I loved it too.  I didn't particularly like the fact that a song with the lyrical content that song has came to represent our story...but I liked the song.  LOL.  Well...today I was listening to the song for the first time in a while.   Listening to it today just made me a little emotional.  I hadn't felt much emotion PERIOD in a long time.  I was just reflecting on how things used to be with us.  That period of time where this was our song was a period of time where I was so happy....then somewhere along the line I became so miserable.  I don't exactly know why.  It just happened.  Unhappiness at my job?  Depression?  Home issues?  Money issues?  I don't know exactly.  Something just made me cold all of a sudden.  I think I've been taking it out on her.  She's done nothing to me to warrant my behavior.  It's ironic that listening to this song today made me realize that I have a lot of apologizing to do for how I've been to her.  I haven't exactly been the best boyfriend. 

I kinda started thinking about it all starting yesterday.  See, Saturday night, I asked Shaka SOMETHING serious.  I forgot exactly, but she kinda brushed off my question, then turned around and asked me what my ideal type is.  I told her I wasn't answering because she didn't answer my question.  Somehow in the process, I caught an attitude and she kinda did too and we ONCE AGAIN got off the phone on a sour note.  The next day, I got on yahoo and she hit me up and immediately answered my question.  Then she asked me my ideal type.  I told her "you".  Sounds like the PC thing to say but I meant it.  She kept asking again but that was my ACTUAL honest answer.  Today, I thought to myself, if she really is my ideal type, why do I act so dissatisfied with her and our relationship?  I have no answer for that.....so I guess I really SHOULDN'T BE.  I need to shape up.  I suck.  She tells me that all the time and I'm starting to believe her.....

"I would like to apologize...."